Lately, it's been on my mind how much I've sacrificed. That is to say, for the benefit of those I love, not really in order to get the things I've always wanted or dreamed of.
I chose leaving home at an early age over letting my parents put me through 4-yr college because I 'fell in love'. The more years that go by, the more I realize that was a stupid decision. When has it ever been a good idea to get married at 18?
I married the first man I ever slept with. Also a mistake.
I wonder what would have become of me if I'd had the money to go past Community College and actually acquire some sort of degree that meant something. I became a mother right in the middle of all that, and that's certainly more important. That doesn't stop me from asking 'what if?'.
Once a baby comes along, there's no money for anything else. NONE.
No surprise, the marriage didn't last. 11 years age difference becomes a giant elephant in the room, the one you swore to yourself you could somehow ignore in favor of 'love'. Suddenly, it turns into a 'parent/child' relationship instead of a marriage. Or maybe it always was that way and I'd just fooled myself into thinking we were different. No matter, I was now an unhappily married mother.
I went from that into a second marriage in which I was thrust into a chaotic circus of ex-wife and 2 unruly children who hated my very guts. There would be no opportunity for me to further my education now that I'd become a full-time zoo-keeper .....and I'm not exaggerating when I use that term.
Another child came along..... more sacrifices, more 'going without' in order to keep my family happy.
Now, I'm 42, chronically ill and grasping for every little bit of happiness I can either find or inspire.
Along with children growing up comes the sinking feeling that you're not-so-secretly despised because of and in spite of what you've given up. Inevitable payback for your own treatment of your parents. You never think your own child will turn on you, because you were not like your parents; you made SURE not to be like them.
The funny thing is, it wouldn't have mattered what I did differently. Instead of wanting to get away, if you live long enough you become the one it becomes desirable to get away FROM. There's no getting used to that.
